Field Guide To Moscow

Trophia Minigarchia

Minigarch's Wife

Habitat: window shopping on ul. Tverskaya; Shokolod Cafe or Vanil'; back of chauffeur-driven black Mercedes or Range Rover.

Distinguishing Features: over $50,000 worth of jewelry on body at any given time; look on face "like jou aven been fucked in a year"

Danger if Provoked: moderate to extreme, depending on presence of bodyguard (see below)

Mortal Weakness: anything that costs too much money

Comments: The Minigarch Wife is easily recognizable by her natural physical beauty and the hallmarks of her expensive lifestyle. Trophia minigarcha is typically initally chosen for sex appeal but is quickly relegated to child-rearing duty as soon as her husband finds a suitably hot 17-year-old replacement at Downtown or Park Avenue. In the wild, this species often can be seen with a Flathead Bodyguard (flatheadus protectus) whose job is both to protect trophia minigarcha from kidnapping attempts as well as to prevent her from outsourcing her husband's marital duties to other, more willing providers.

Soldatus Malnutritius

Teenage Soldier

Habitat: metro; Red Square; near famous monuments

Distinguishing Features: camoflauge; bored, expressionless face; metal detector; occasional twitches caused by hunger pangs

Danger if Provoked: medium to high, depending on blood sugar level

Mortal Weaknesses: strong gusts of wind; will let anything slide for 100-ruble bribe

Comments: The teenage soldier can be easily found in many locations in Central Moscow. In the wild, soldatus malnutritius is often spotted in packs of two to five, occasionally accompanied by a large bomb-sniffing dog and asking for cigarettes. This species is usually docile and poses little threat to the observer, unless said observer is drunk, has Caucasian features, or is an easy target for a bribe shakedown (see turistus americanus).

Pafus Maximus

Art Director

Habitat: Inside the velvet rope at Moscow's most pafosniy nightclubs; inside a control room view video monitors trained on the club entrance

Distinguishing Features: Tight, all-black wardrobe; earpiece; at least thirty pounds overweight due to effects of late-stage cocaine addiction

Danger if Provoked: Low (physical peril); High (to ego of clubgoers denied entrance to his domain)

Mortal Weakness: fear that his club won't be popular enough to turn away prospective club-goers

Comments: Pafus Maximus is the brains behind the brawn of feis kontrol. His discriminating eye is the ultimate arbiter of who is and is not worthy of the title Elitny. Having endured humiliation at clubs in his youth, he is now eager to suck up to people who once ignored him, while denying entrance to the people who remind him of himself.

Rassclotus Chichimanus

Russian Rasta

Distinguishing Features: dreadlocks; numerous marijuana-themed accessories; bloodshot eyes

Habitat: Phlegmatic Dog; Club Infiniti; Kitaisky Lyotchik; drug dens in Marino

Danger if Provoked: none. Rassclotus Chichimanus is perhaps the most docile species found in Moscow.

Mortal Weakness: African students who grow tired of humoring him; Skinheads; Head lice; overheated banyas that could melt hair weave

Comments: The Rassclotus Chichimanus has only recently been discovered. He is one of the few species in Moscow with protective coloration, attempting to project an image of poverty when in fact he is a member of the zolotoi molodozh. This strategy has largely failed and tends to attract the attention of several Moscow predators, including the militsia and skinheads, who regularly prey on the Rassclotus Chichimanus. He can usually be found moving slowly, wearing a grin and squinting at nothing in particular. Only when he eats does the Rassclotus Chichimanus display a sense of urgency, and has been known to devour entire Shok bars in two bites. The best-known specimen of Rassclotus Chichimanus is Kirill "Detsl" Tomaskiy.

Dolor Recto

Babushka Dezhurnaya

Distinguishing Features: Permanent scowl; reading glasses; floral-print skirt and headscarf; vehement distrust of any and all persons who enter her building; odor of old kefir.

Habitat: The podyezdy of most upscale Moscow apartment buildings.

Danger if Provoked: Deceptively High. This species of babushka has an uncanny ability to make the lives of those who anger her a living hell. Since it is impossible to tell who or what angers her, all residents and their guests are subject to her rage.

Mortal Weaknesses: Embarrassment when you bring her granddaughter home from Night Flight; paranoia that the building is being taken over by Jews and foreigners.

Comments: Dolor Recto evolved into its own species shortly after the collapse of the Soviet Union, when Moscow residents began to demand stricter feis kontrol for their own apartment buildings. The babushka dezhurnaya spends most of her time watching Latin American soap operas while reading anti-Semitic pamphlets, and the visitor who enters her domain during an important plot development will witness the full wrath of this vicious species. Among the weapons at her disposal are devastating gossip, drafting letters of petty complaint written in Soviet-ese which begin "Respected Residents!" and placing said letters in everyone's mailboxes, and allowing your girlfriend to visit unannounced while you're having an affair with another woman in your apartment.

Humbertus Humbertus

Horny Expatriate

Distinguishing Features: Business suit; five o' clock shadow; total lack of rhythm and/or shame

Habitat: Doug and Marty's Boar House; The Real McCoy; Safari Lodge; Club Platinum

Danger if Provoked: Low. Once this species becomes fixated on copulating, it is nearly impossible to distract it from this task. Thus, the naturalist risks very little by observing Humbertus Humbertus in its native habitat. Even if this species is disturbed, it will choose to recommence its mating rituals rather than confront the intruder.

Mortal Weaknesses: Easily suckered into buying overpriced drinks for ugly friends of 19-year-old blonde from the Language Institute; occasional phone calls from wife in London can disrupt mojo; risk of official reprimand for putting visits to Shandra on corporate expense account.

Comments: Humbertus Humbertus spends most of its time in office buildings within the Boulevard Ring attempting to add a veneer of European propriety to the Russian oil conglomerate it works for. This species only leaves the office at night, when it prowls the bars of Moscow in search of its prey after purchasing Viagra (the one Russian word it knows) at an underground kiosk. Although the Horny Expatriate prefers to win its sexual conquests by charm and false promises of marriage, it often finds itself hailing a cab to Oh La La at 3 a.m., its instinctual urges having overcome its stinginess.

Sugarus Daddius

Caucasian Pimp

Distinguishing Features: Black hair, slightly retarded sounding Russian accent, brillo-like stubble (Not to be confused with the Markus Amus)

Habitat: While the Sugarus Daddius once roamed freely throughout central Moscow, the rapid expansion of several pafusni species has reduced his habitat to several small enclaves on Leninsky Prospekt, Kurskaya and Lubyanka. Happily, the Sugarus Daddius is still thriving beyond the MKAD, where he can be found after sundown surrounded by hundreds of his preferred mates (Whorus Khokholus).

Danger if Provoked: High. While the Sugarus Daddius rarely attacks, he is protected by several lesser primates that will eliminate any intruder threatening him. Sugarus Daddius is extremely territorial, and will kill competing Sugarus Daddiusi that encroach on his turf.

Mortal Weaknesses: Falls victim to zachistki by the militsia whenever a major international sporting event is scheduled for Moscow and after every Chechen terrorist act.

Comments: Sugarus Daddius is a non-native species from the North Caucusus that has thrived in post-Soviet Moscow. They quickly eliminated native Russian pimps with their aggressive tactics and superior ability to entrap and retain whorus khokholusi thanks to an instinctual combination of violence and pillow talk. A mature Sugarus Daddius can control up to 50 whorus khokholusi, forcing them into numerous daily mating sessions with cash-paying clients.

Mayonnaisus Infinitas

Housewife

Habitat: Small kitchens in un-remonted apartments throughout Moscow. The Mayonnaisus Infinitas is one of the most common species in the city.

Danger if Provoked: The Mayonnaisus Infinitas has little natural fear of outsiders, and is easily tamed with a box of Krasnyi Oktyabr chocolates or a bottle of Massandra wine. However, it is highly protective of its young, and will often subject prospective boyfriends to long conversations about wallpaper designs and the relative merits of shopping at outdoor markets vs. western-style supermarkets.

Mortal Weaknesses: The Mayonnaisus Infinitas worries that its larva will never transform from tall and thin beauties into the mature Mayonnaisus Infinitas, and therefore insists on heaping mayonnaise on everything from fresh vegetables to pasta dishes in hopes of speeding the transition. Serving colorless food fried in cheap sunflower oil is another tactic it commonly employs.

Comments: The Mayonnaisus Infinitas rarely sleeps, and spends all waking hours making mayonnaise-based concoctions while Mexican soaps drone in the background. It is overprotective of its young, constantly nagging them about their non-existent coughs, the need to protect against drafts, and the proper level of attire on any given day. Such behavior is based less on a sincere desire to protect its offspring than a physical need to instill a guilt complex in its offspring. This is also done with a series of traps, such as setting a series of curfews that it knows will be broken, in order to make the offspring feel like they, rather than the artery-blocking diet, are responsible for the Mayonnaisus Infinitas' heart problems.

Churkius Indenturedservitudius

Uzbek Gasterbeiter

Habitat: Construction sites. Above ground during the day, sleeping in crammed basement at night.

Danger if Provoked: Low. Churkius Indenturedservitudius is extremely meek due to his lack of legal status, overwork for low pay, and fear of going back to an even worse situation in Uzbekistan. If given cheap vodka, however, danger increases.

Mortal Weaknesses: Vulnerable to militia sweeps when local precinct chief needs to buy his lyubovnitsa a new Ford Focus; not getting paid by his boss; hunger pangs; exhaustion.

Comments: Churkius Indenturedservitudius has been losing territory to rival species from Tadjikistan, Churkius Muleius, thanks in part to Uzbek leader Karimov's anti-Russian policies and Tadjikistan's pro-Russia colony status.

Chinovnikus Avaritia

Russian Bureaucrat

Habitat: His dilapidated office. Expensive restaurants. Dachas.

Danger if Provoked: Extremely high. Warning! Chinovnikus Avaritia is extremely sensitive to every minor Russian law, code and regulation, unless he is appeased with gifts. Furthermore, he does not like foreigners, unless they offer gifts.

Mortal Weaknesses: Vulnerable to periodic anti-corruption drives; jealous subordinates; sometimes victim if his boss is aligned with a 'wrong faction.

Comments: Chinovnikus Avaritia has only one role, and that is to cause problems for other inhabitants, problems which only he can solve. Once problem is 'solved,' he will in time create another problem, which will be even more expensive to 'solve.

Prodavschitsia Climacteria

Produkty Store Clerk

Distinguishing features: 30 year old woman who looks 60; fat, angry face, gingivitis; heavy makeup; ugly mole; hair bleached three months ago; frilly apron; permanent scowl.

Habitat: Behind counters and cashier windows of any establishment where cash changes hands; prevalent where food, vodka, Chinese electronics, and other necessities are available. 

Danger if Provoked: Medium. If you do not have exact change, Prodavschitsia Climacteria will often refuse to accept your money or force you to buy cheap candy to cover the difference.

Mortal Weaknesses: Still dreaming of a prince on a white horse who will carry her away from the produkty.

Comments: Like crows and pigeons, Prodavschitsia Climacteria is a highly adaptable, essential part of the harsh Moscow ecosystem. Thanks to conservation efforts, she will continue to thrive.

Onagus Khayastanicus

Caucasian Taxi Driver

Habitat: Behind the steering wheels of Moscow gypsy cabs. Squatting in a circle of other cab drivers outside of bars, restaurants and train stations.

Danger if Provoked: High. Even though dimunitive in size, angering the species with talk of Caucuses politics may result in his already-reckless driving style becoming suicidal. Do not, under any circumstances, suggest an alternative route.

Mortal Weaknesses: Poor knowledge of Moscow road system can result in agreeing to drive out to Mozhaisk for 150 rubles.

Comments: This species densely populates urban Moscow. Despite poor familiarity with Moscow roads, he has encyclopedic knowledge of tochki, which he will happily share with you.

Asinus Vasallus

Gay Novikov Restaurant Waiter

Habitat: All high-priced Novikov restaurants, and other establishments which try to immitate his restaurants. As yet, no Asinus Vasallus has been spotted in the wild.

Danger if Provoked: Zero. Asinus Vasallus will sneer at you no matter who you are or how you treat him.

Mortal Weaknesses: Asinus Vasallus, although physically slight, is protected by the fact that the homophobic Russian clientelle has absolutely no idea that their waiter is gay, because so are all of their favorite pop stars.

Comments: Was thought to have gone extinct sometime after the Revolution, but has recently staged a comeback, thanks in part to the preservation efforts of Dutch and German tourists.

Brevis Capillus

Moscow Office Manager

Habitat: Demokratichny cafes after work; Che, Propaganda, and Real McCoy’s when they really want to get laid.

Danger if Provoked: High. Brevis Capillus has been on edge ever since she realized her former husband was not a prince on a white stallion. Men who take her home but don’t call her back can expect to get an earfull. Young pretty girls who work in her office can expect to get harassed and eventually fired.

Mortal Weaknesses: Flowers and compliments. She always falls for a man who offers to take her to Hurgada for a week.